Apple of Discord. 2019.

THE SNUB OF ERIS:

THE MYTH OF THE APPLE OF DISCORD

It seems that Zeus was preparing a wedding banquet for Peleus and Thetis and did not want to invite Eris because of her reputation as a trouble maker.

This made Eris angry, and so she fashioned an apple of pure gold* and inscribed on it KALLISTI (“for the fairest”), and on the day of the fête she rolled it into the banquet hall and then left to be alone and joyously partake of a hot dog.

Now, three of the invited goddesses,** Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite, each immediately claimed it for themselves because of the inscription. And they started fighting, and they started throwing punch all over the place and everything.

Finally Zeus calmed things down and declared that an arbitrator must be selected, and all agreed. He sent them to a shepherd of Troy, whose name was Paris because his mother had a lot of gaul and married a Frenchman, but each of the sneaky goddesses tried to outwit the others by going early and offering a bribe to Paris.

Athena offered him heroic war victories, Hera offered him great wealth, and Aphrodite offered him the most beautiful woman on Earth. Being a healthy young Trojan lad, Paris promptly accepted Aphrodite’s bribe and she got the apple and he got screwed.

As she had promised, she maneuvered Earthly happenings so that Paris could have Helen, then living with her husband Menelaus, King of Sparta. Anyway, everyone knows that the Trojan War followed when Sparta demanded their queen back.

And so we suffer because of the Original Snub.

*there is historic disagreement over whether this apple was made of metallic gold or Acapulco

**actually there were five goddesses, but the Greeks did not know of the Law of Fives

Malaclypse the Younger. ​Principia Discordia; or How I Found the Goddess, and What I Did to Her When I Found Her. 1​963. Edited by Trevor Leach. 2019.